On Being a Woman
It came to me on the Salvador to Rio de Janiero, 30 hour, $108 bus ride, that many of you men out there are unpractised and, in fact, entirely unaware of the female art of peeing-on-a-bus.
I shall provide a brief introduction:
1) Watch the road. If you are in a particularily curvy area, you´re in trouble.
2) If you cannot wait until the road straightens out, open the door to the hot, humid, stinky bathroom, and try to enter without touching anything.
3) Immediately adopt a wide stance, feet a bit farther than shoulder width apart, while you lock the door and begin preparations.
4) Quickly procure toilet paper. Hopefully you brought your own from the stash you always keep in your pocket, but if you´re out, cringe as you go for the bathroom´s roll stuffed under platic panels covered with god-knows-what. Get a wad ready and stuff it in your jacket. You´ll need both hands. note: while you are procuring toilet paper, if the bus takes any especially sharp corners, be prepared to steady yourself against the wall opposite the toilet (i.e. furthest from the general male splash radius).
5) Unzip and pull the pants quickly past the knees to keep them from touching the toilet when you assume the postion.
6) Pull your sleeves down over your hands to avoid touching the unavoidably disgusting squatting handles with your bare hands.
7) Grasp both handles firmly, adopt an even wider stance, and slowly lower yourself over the toilet. We do not sit. We hover. Prepare yourself for being thrown to either the left or right. You have mere inches on either side before you slam into the disgusting urine covered wall or the equally disgusting spring-loaded toilet seat which you did not put down because you wouldn´t dream of sitting on it, which is required to hold it in place.
8) Wait until the bus is going at a relatively straight and consistent pace (i.e. no corners, no braking). Side note: never pee in town. You´re guaranteed to be slammed into a urine covered object or even pee on yourself. Don´t risk it.
9) Control the flow of urine such that you can stop peeing IMMEDIATELY if the bus were to suddenly corner hard or slam on it´s brakes. Doing so will take you three times as long to pee, but it´s worth it.
10) Once the bladder has breathed it´s sigh of relief, and you´re relatively sure all the drippage has finished, remove yourself from the cubicle of death immediately above the toilet and, with your left hand, fish out your toilet paper and proceed as usual.
11) Once dry, perform the tricky feat of opening the garbage can with the gravity based foot lever and dropping your rubbish inside.
12) Then, either left handed while gripping the handle with your right hand, or with both hands while leaning your shoulder up against the wall, hike your knickers back up and quickly zip.
13) Unlock the door, and push hard. Get out of there as quick as you can!